OK, so here's how the whole sordid medical affair happened over the past week.

On Thursday afternoon, I started feeling like I'd overeaten. I had a modest lunch, but figured my stomach was just shrinking with all the weight loss and it took less to fill me up. It still surprised me it only took THAT little, but the body is a crazy thing. No worries.

On Thursday night, I started getting stomach cramps. They lasted all night Thursday, all day Friday, all night Friday.

On Saturday morning, I had been hurting for long enough that I decided to go to my doctor's office. I figured I'd be given some pills and sent on my way. They checked me out and told me to go to the ER since they couldn't rule out appendix problems.

She sent a letter with me to give to the ER doctors about my condition. I noticed that she listed my attitude as "anxious and cooperative." Hmmm. And my neck as "supple." You're not bad either, sugar!

After waiting an interminably long time through the waiting room, blood tests and urine analysis they FINALLY got me some painkillers. I was in the ER for over six hours before they finally gave me any. I would say my pain had progressed to a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I felt like clawing through the walls of my room until I got that shot of whatever it was.

After that, a CT Scan revealed that my appendix was swollen to the point of nearly rupturing. There would be no waiting. They called in the surgical team from their homes to come and do an emergency appendectomy.

He also cautioned me that they would not be able to do the normal procedure, which is to take the appendix out through an incision in the belly button. Mine was too big and too fragile for that. They would make a large incision directly over the appendix. Recovery time would increase signifcantly.

When I awoke after the surgery, the doctor just gushed about how bad the appendix was, as if he's never seen one be that bad without actually bursting. If I'd waited any longer, it probably would have burst.

Silly me. I had driven myself to the ER! What if it had burst while I was driving?

On Friday morning I started my recovery, which mainly consisted of lying in bed for several days. A variety of nurses tended to my (almost) every need. Whether it be holding my cock while I pissed, hand-feeding me or helping me bathe. But you know the hospital is a bad place when you get strange women doing all that to you and it still sucks.

At one point in the night as I slept, a dreamy woman spoke softly to me. "I am Alta." Going in and out of consciousness frequently, I had dreamt of many nurses that weren't really there. But this one TOUCHED me. I swear I felt it. She was way too good-looking to be a nurse (no offense to nurses, but most of them won't be asked to be in Playboy) and there's no such name as "Alta" anyway.

As morning came, it turned out that Alta was real. A cutie too. She saw Smeagol by my bed and told me that she identified with him the most and couldn't decide if she were Smeagol or Gollum. Uh huh. Gollum is just who I want to be tended to by. I want my jello rrrawwww and wwrrrrriggling!

I thought of my lost Internet friend (referred to in the last update) when I watched epsiodes of The People's Court featuring plaintiffs/defendents who totally missed the point and found it impossible to own up to their guilt. Thought of him when I watched the special on The Dungeonmaster too. (That guy that kidnapped women and held them in his basement for 15 years. When caught, he claimed adultery was his only crime. His perception of reality was so skewed that you could never show him the truth or get him to think what he did was wrong.) I came to terms with his actions by seeing these other delusional people. They can't help it. Just in their nature. You're never going to get them to come around. Best to just put them out of your life and move on.

I also realized just how greatful I am for TiVo, because cable really sucks without it. Do you have any idea how many infomercials clutter the airwaves? How there's nothing good on almost every hour of every day? Do you?

This morning, a full five days after I first came to the ER, I was given the green light to return home. I will not drive or return to work for at least ten more days and perhaps as much as three weeks. I cannot lift anything over 15 lbs for another six weeks.

I still have not had a bowel movement since Saturday, although the gaseous clouds are becoming noxious at times. I'm getting a little stronger each day.

As for the cause of all this, the pathology report showed nothing conclusive. Doc figured it was just a piece of food or stool that got lodged in the opening and wouldn't come out. That's what causes 99% of them.

(You mean you're supposed to chew your food?)